Letting go of the pain we know (or the awareness that comes with knee replacement surgery)
Two weeks ago, I had knee replacement surgery. A part of my body was literally broken. I needed to have it repaired so that I could heal and resolve pain that had been festering for years. When I first learned I needed knee replacement surgery, I went into denial - no, it’s not that bad, I thought to myself. I can live with this pain. My fear of major surgery was so great, and my fear of the unknown pain and hard work of recovery was so huge that I could not move forward. I sucked it up. I postponed. I delayed. I lived with serious knee pain for nearly three years. It went from sometime pain, to medium grade pain, to constant, debilitating pain that kept me up at night. I tried every alternative to surgery. Nothing worked. Not even a little. And so there I was, facing the inevitable. I finally called up the courage, faced my fear, and made the appointment with the surgeon. And here I am, two weeks later, at the beginning of recovery, and full of joy and hope. Sure, my knee hurts, but it’s a good pain. Pain that tells me I’m healing. I have more flexibility than I expected, and I’m working toward my goal of a complete recovery. I will certainly feel pain during the process, but I am beginning with the end in mind. I am choosing to live the next 20-30 years of my life as an active, vibrant participant in life.
My story is not unusual. In fact, it feels very familiar. I compare it to the stories of many of my clients, and even my own divorce story. We live with pain that we know for a long, long time. We suffer because we believe that the pain we know is more tolerable than the pain we don’t know. The fear of the unknown is rough. It causes us to remain prisoners to our circumstances. Very often, we stay in relationships many years longer than we should because the pain we are familiar with is something we believe we can bear, while the unexplored pain seems too unknowable to jump into. That which we cannot imagine, terrifies us.
Plenty of us face those fears and do move forward, eventually. We create new lives, write new life stories, redesign the trajectory of our future based on passion and energy we didn’t know we possessed. Somehow we find it. We simply have to get out of our own way. We find the strength to drill through the fear that kept us trapped so we can get to the other side. It’s the only way.
With regard to my knee - I had a choice. I could have lived the rest of my life in physical pain, limited by my body and my fear. Instead, I chose to take the risk and experience short term difficulty on the road to long term and expansive recovery. I sought out experts. Orthopedic surgeons and physical therapists I trusted, as well as alternate homeopathic specialists. I weighed my options and I made a choice. I recognized I needed to rely on others, because my mindset was in need of support. I found my way through my fear, and am so grateful that I did.
For many of my clients, leaving a bad marriage doesn’t just mean saying goodbye to a partner who causes you pain, it means letting go of a broken part of yourself too. You committed to that relationship when you said “I do.” Acknowledging that it is time to leave a marriage can feel like a failure and a loss. It can feel like something inside of you has broken. Like something inside of you IS broken. Yet, the courage it takes to acknowledge the brokenness, and move forward toward repairing yourself and your family is both enormous and terrifying. Hold on to that idea - two things at once. Both/And. You are both courageous and afraid. Perhaps that is the power of courage, you are moving forward despite your fear.
Take a deep breath. Find your own experts and allies. The pain you feel now will not be forever pain. Instead, that choice, that scary choice, can be the most awesome and powerful choice you ever make.
